The Color Green
I used to hate the color green. To be honest, I’m not really sure why, but it just never stood out to me. At age 21, green is now my favorite color. Why? As crazy as it sounds, it all started with a scene from “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.” Although I’ve watched the movie at least 10 times, it wasn’t until recently that I found an appreciation for Katniss’s favorite color. Though she doesn’t explain why it’s green, it’s most commonly interpreted as her love for the forest and nature. Despite the mayhem of society around her, she found solace and peace in the color green. I desired to feel the same, to understand. So, I promised myself I would carry that intention with me. Ever since, I look for green everywhere.
In fields of freshly cut grass, the kind that makes me want to play soccer again. In Puppy, my beloved stuffed animal who has been with me since before I could speak. In the avocados I open to make my daily avocado toast. And in every Kiwi because I also love Kiwi. In the stems of my forever Lego flowers that my boyfriend gave me. In every matcha latte I drink because I can never get enough. And in my closet, on the sweatshirt I wear more often than I should admit. A particular shade of green for each, special in its own way.
Learning to love green changed my perspective on life. I listen to the trees swaying in the wind, watch the clouds float along the sky, feel the sun on my back, and smell the rain in the air. I take everything in and let it ground me. A gentle reminder that my worries are just that, worries. I think sometimes we get caught up in the chaos of everyday life, we quite literally forget to stop and smell the roses. As we dream of life as it could be, we fail to see that life as it is is pretty great too. There’s a lot of beauty in the little things. You just have to know where to look. I suggest starting with the color green.
Thank You Noah
Music is a huge part of my life, to the surprise of no one lol. It has gotten me through a lot. Noah Kahan has gotten me through a lot. If you haven’t heard his name by now, it’s only a matter of time. To try to explain the greatness that is Noah Kahan feels impossible, but I owe it to him to try. He is the most talented artist I have ever come across. By chance, I stumbled upon his music in 2019, and I’ve never been so grateful for anything. To see him grow since then has been an incredible gift. None of my friends knew his name years back, and now they all love him, from small concerts to sold out shows and tours, and having random people approach me while I’m wearing his tour sweatshirt – he deserves every ounce of success he has received and continues to receive. I’ve said it a million times, but I’ll say it again… I’ll get him that Grammy one day. I know it’s his dream, and it’s also one of my dreams. A win for him would feel like a win for myself too.
To know Noah Kahan, is to know love, to feel an outstretched hand helping you off the ground from miles and miles away. When the pandemic hit in 2020, it was Noah’s Instagram lives that made me feel a little less lonely. I had the privilege of seeing who he is as a person: genuine, humble, relatable, outright hilarious, and caring. His talent for putting feelings and emotions into words is unparalleled. His music makes you feel seen and understood. It’s there for you in a way no person ever could be. And obviously, his voice is flawless. Noah is an amazing performer, and arguably sounds even better live.
In 2021, I met Noah after his concert. To be able to look into his eyes and say thank you was the greatest feeling in the world. I shed some tears, and unfortunately it’s very apparent in the picture of us haha. In 2022, I gave him a handwritten letter after his concert. A month ago he tweeted this, “I keep every letter any fan has ever sent me in my special stuff zone and when things get hard, I look at what you wrote and try to see what you see in me.” I know my letter is in there and it warms my heart. I can never repay him for how much he has helped me. But little by little, I try as best as I can.
If you see this Noah, please let me work for you one day. I would love nothing more than to help you achieve your dream, I’m always in your corner. See you in June!
Hockey in the Garage
Adam, my older brother, was my first real friend. For years, we played almost every day together. It all started when I was in Kindergarten and he was in fifth grade. Rachel was in high school at the time so she was too cool to hangout with us.
One particular Christmas, Adam and I were gifted brand new rollerblades. My parents had opened Pandora’s box. Adam taught me how to skate on our uneven and rough driveway. Once I finally felt confident in my skating abilities, there was no stopping us. Our go to activity was playing hockey in the garage with rollerblades on. Sounds insane for kids our age right? It was. Shoving each other into the garage door and the surrounding shelves made it even more risky. We grew accustomed to bruises and sore muscles but we lived for the high that was hockey in the garage.
We were partners in crime. Chaos followed us everywhere we went.
We shattered a light on the ceiling of the garage with a hockey puck. Adam knocked my tooth out with a hockey puck. He broke the garage window with a hockey puck and then proceeded to try and blame it on me. We created all sorts of dents and marks on the garage walls with a hockey puck. For our birthdays, we would buy the other a hockey puck to add another to our collection. Adam took a hockey puck to a Carolina Hurricanes game to get it signed for me. Surely enough he came back with Eric Staal’s signature on it. I found out many years later it was my brother who signed it.
Adam bet me he could throw the basketball into the basketball hoop all the way from the back yard. Only, he actually hit a lamp light on the side of the house. We repeatedly got caught playing soccer in the music room. We played with a small stress ball instead of a real soccer ball, but that still wasn’t allowed, so we did it anyway. Nerf guns in the house also weren’t allowed. So, we brought them inside when we were home alone. It was a race against time as soon as we heard my mom’s car. We took a liking to pillow fights, but with hard throw pillows. Adam never held back. I got clocked in the face a lot, so naturally with time I got better at ducking and predicting his moves. Although I don’t remember fully how it happened, we once caused the electricity in our house to short-circuit. My dad was not happy.
There were calmer moments too. We used to explore the creek in the woods behind my house. We would jump over to the other side to gather all the cool rocks, again not allowed. Driven by our goal of finding gold, we spent a lot of time in the creek. “National Treasure” was our favorite movie, obviously. We watched it over and over again, always just as good as the time before. Rainy days became “National Treasure” days. We often ate snacks while watching – every little kid’s dream. Adam made me his special grilled cheese with onions. Years later, I learned how to cook it myself.
Looking back, I’ve realized just how much Adam contributed to my childhood and influenced even greater life lessons. He taught me how to have fun, even if it was in the most absurd ways. He taught me how to get back up after falling down, literally. And he taught me how to fight back, to be strong and determined. Constantly trying to keep up and chase after my brother nurtured an unrelenting spirit that has made me who I am today.
I Cereal-sly Love You
My dad and his love for cereal – unconditional.
Growing up, we always had cereal in my house. Not just one box, or two, or three. We had every kind you could possibly imagine. Our favorites included Apple Jacks, Reese’s Puffs, Mini Wheats, and many more. Sometimes we ate it for breakfast, but for a Gogal, cereal is more of a dessert or a snack, or both. It was all because of my dad, the cereal fanatic. It was a love he shared with Rachel, Adam, and me. Although my mom wasn’t a huge fan of the sugar, she secretly liked that it made us all drink milk. Like her, none of us could drink it by itself. Cereal was also so much more than just cereal. I think she realized that long before I ever did.
If one of us made even the smallest remark about a certain type of cereal, it would be in the pantry only a few days later. If we said we didn’t like one, it was never seen again. If we loved one, next time my dad bought it in the family size. It was always like that and it still is, without fail. When we come home, my dad pulls out every single box of cereal and shows them off like a collection of trophies. He continues to ask if you’ve tried this one or that one until you finally do. And needless to say, our favorites were there from the moment we stepped into the house.
My dad and his love – unconditional.
Finding Closure
Losing the end of my high school senior year to COVID is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I still remember the exact moment when I heard about the two week break. In the auditorium for our spring musical, my choir teacher delivered the news. My blood ran cold and my heart dropped. Many didn’t see it as a big deal, and most were excited. Deep down, my gut told me we were never going back. On the way home, I cried because I knew.
I never set foot in my high school again. I never went to my senior prom. I never played that game of sand volleyball my teacher promised us on March 13th. I never walked across the stage to receive my diploma. I never truly felt recognized for the years of hard work I had put in. I never said goodbye to my friends. And I never got closure.
I know it sounds trivial, people lost a lot more. But, it still sucked. And I have my own experience too. At first, I didn’t know what to do, wandering around my house out of boredom and talking to anyone who would listen. P.S. I’m sorry Mom. Face-timing my friends almost nightly became my routine. They kept me sane. I began working out several days a week. I stayed active, whether it was a random pilates video on YouTube, a quick run around my neighborhood, or kicking a soccer ball against the side of my house (sorry again Mom.) I made baked oats for the first time. The addiction hit hard. I tried to fight it and make other food, but I only somewhat succeeded. The show “The Outer Banks” had perfect timing. But that was only the tip of the iceberg. I binged a lot of TV shows and movies. I also watched an endless amount of BTS interviews and performances. They were an amazing distraction – funny and entertaining. Yes, I’m a BTS fan – sue me, I don’t care. The stigma surrounding Kpop is stupid and pathetic anyways.
Back to the main point. I cried a lot. A lot. Puffy eyes were a regular look for me. I became best friends with my bed, my room, and my own tears. I often stood outside staring at nature trying to feel something. I found comfort in music. Making Spotify playlists at 2AM became my new hobby. My AirPods never left my ears, connected to me like a lifeline. I’ve always been an avid music listener, but now, it is my greatest love.
Sometimes I wish things had been different, but then I wouldn’t be who I am today. Months and months of self-exploration and reflection – I discovered a lot during that time. I understand myself now more than I ever have. I won’t go into the details or else we would be here for hours. So, just take my word for it.
My 42 Spotify Playlists
Music is my first love. It has always been and will always be there for me – in ways people can’t be. As a child, I was given CDs for almost every birthday and every Christmas. I carried my CD player with me everywhere. Now, you will never find me without my AirPods or Sony headphones. If you do, call the police because that’s not me.
Spotify is my second love. If you’re an Apple user, kindly leave.
Three years ago I became obsessed with creating Spotify playlists. I loved everything about the process: specifically curating a playlist to a mood, feeling, or concept, scrolling through Pinterest to choose the cover art, and discovering new music along the way. Currently, I have 42 Spotify playlists.
No matter how hard I try, I can never fully express just how much music means to me. So, I’ll show you.
My 42 Spotify Playlists:
“feeling delicate” – Why do you let your mind bully your heart? Playlist inspired by the song Ceilings by Lizzy McAlpine.
“matcha latte” – Songs that feel like my favorite drink. That’s it.
“THE VIBE” – Capitalized on purpose because it’s a VIBE.
“seoul nights” – Features a lot of Korean R&B music. It is best listened to at night or on a rainy day. I do in fact make the rules.
“the factionless” – For the songs that didn’t fit in anywhere, only to find they fit beautifully together.
“bangtan” – Solely BTS. I love them. You may too if you give them a chance 🙂
“lifeline” – Noah Kahan is my favorite artist. I owe him my life.
“kpop” – Your comfort zone will kill you. Not creative though sorry.
“DPR” – DPR Live and DPR Ian love letter.
“idk anymore” – Slow music? Idk? Lol.
“psychedelic” – Hallucinogenic type of music.
“[indie pop]” – Indie pop.
“chill” – Take a chill pill and feel the breeze on your skin.
“stormy youth” – That feeling of dancing in the rain as a kid. Or that middle of the day nap during a thunderstorm.
“cry about it” – I cried about it. Warning – very sad songs.
“nov. 14” – Noah again. Created to listen only to him on the drive home from his concert. Post-concert depression is real.
“1 million/10” – Songs I believe to be perfect. Absolutely perfect.
“once upon a time” – Sweep me off of my feet.
“summer daze” – Windows rolled down driving in the sun.
“2021” – Songs I found in 2021 that I listened to way too much.
“f*ck 2020” – Excuse my language, but I know we all agree.
“unexplained nostalgia” – That extremely specific part of my junior and senior year during high school.
“brb going to japan” – Don’t let language be a barrier.
“iced americano” – If an iced americano could speak this is what it would sound like.
“2am insomnia” – Yes, I made this at 2am. Cannot promise it will cure your insomnia.
“don’t just exist” – Live.
“piano” – The piano versions of BTS songs. They are just that good.
“allen <3” – My third love.
“dancetypebeat” – I can’t dance but these songs make me feel like I can.
“iPod tracks” – The music my brother and I blasted in the garage while playing hockey on rollerblades. Bring back the 2010s.
“90s leather jacket” – Blink-182, The Goo Goo Dolls, Third Eye Blind. Yeah that genre.
“lauv kind of love” – I mispronounced his name for years.
“vinyl records” – The songs my dad played for us growing up. All the classics. They hold a special place in my heart.
“sounds of pure bliss” – Party-worthy playlist.
“archived” – I’ll never forget this playlist.
“workout mix” – No explanation needed.
“I hate silent films” – Movie and TV show soundtracks. If you’re looking for The Greatest Showman, Big Time Rush, and Glee in one playlist, this is for you.
“study jams” – I used to not be able to do homework without this playlist.
“wow” – Four songs that give me an incredible amount of serotonin.
“winter is coming” – No, not Game of Thrones. Christmas music!
“1st playlist” – So unoriginal.
“834” – 834 songs long. Back when I only had one playlist for everything. The end of an era.
Matcha Lattes
Anyone who knows me, knows my love for matcha. It’s really really strong. So much so that it’s become a personality trait of mine. A little weird? Maybe, but I can’t help it. Let me explain where the love started. Years ago, in my Sophomore year of High School (I think), I tried a matcha latte for the first time with my best friend Kelly. I only took a sip of hers, but I hated it. Everyone says it tastes like grass but for some reason I thought it tasted like cardboard. I remember thinking how on earth does she drink this? I went on with my life till about a year later when I had the most random urge for a matcha latte. At first I thought I was crazy, but I gave in and went to Starbucks anyway. After that, I never looked back. I was in love. Kelly was right the whole time, it was amazing. It’s an acquired taste for sure, but sometimes I wonder if that matcha latte just wasn’t made well. Because how could my taste buds change so drastically in one year?
About another year later, COVID hit, and I was left with nothing to do. Driving to Starbucks for a matcha latte was one of my only joys that got me out of the house for a short time. Listening to my music during the drive was therapeutic and freeing; it made this small routine even more exciting. So yeah, matcha holds a special place in my heart far beyond the fact that I love the taste of it. One day, I decided I wanted to start making my own matcha lattes, I mean I was a barista after all. So, I bought everything I needed and learned how to make them. Spoiler alert – it’s super easy. Making it myself ensures that it will be properly shaken and mixed up. It’s very frustrating when the matcha powder is floating in the drink going to waste, or when it’s too milky and doesn’t even taste like matcha. But alas, the experience of going to get my $5 drink is unmatched and simply needed sometimes. My go-to order is a grande iced matcha latte with 1 pump of vanilla syrup and 4 scoops of matcha powder (for a powerful matcha flavor). If I’m feeling adventurous, I might even pay the extra 70¢ for almond milk.
Childhood Memories
Barbie. The beginning of my passion for fashion. I played with Barbies nonstop as a kid and had more than I could count. I had a container full of clothes and another full of accessories. Of course, I owned all the Barbie movies too, at least 15 I would guess. They were my favorite to watch, and to be honest, they still are.
Taylor Swift. Where my love for music started. I was Taylor Swift’s biggest fan as a kid. I bought all of her CDs and played them on rotation. I still know every lyric from her old songs. She kind of lost me during her switch to pop music, but I’ll always wish the best for her.
Dogs. Both the happiest and saddest part of my childhood. My mom is allergic to both cats and dogs so we never had any pets. But, I loved dogs with every part of my being. I used to go over to my friends’ houses just to play with their dogs. One day, I plan to have my own dog.
Soccer. How I learned to be tough. I played soccer for many years and I was pretty skilled at the game. Other players and parents underestimated me because I was small, but I was also fast and aggressive. My coach once called me a secret weapon. I like to think I still am.